i saw the devil today
by hollyhobbit101
Summary: There's a raw honesty in Rowena's voice that makes Sam want to help her, because he knows what she's going through, and he doesn't want her to suffer like this anymore. Tag to 13x12, Various and Sundry Villains


**A/N: I cannot tell you how many times I've watched this episode because it was so good. Just! Actual recognition of Sam's trauma! Sam and Rowena having an honest and open conversation! That's never happened before! I hope I can do this wonderful episode justice.**

 **Title from 'Wrong Side of Heaven' by Five Finger Death Punch**

* * *

Sam doesn't sleep much these days. Hasn't done in a while, if he's being honest. And, if he's being _really_ honest, it's mostly because he won't allow himself to sleep, because he knows what will come if he does. He falls into a pattern of researching, or reshuffling the archives, or sometimes just staring at the ceiling for countless hours, until his body refuses to operate for one more second without rest. So he endures another couple of hours of Hell until he's ready to function again. Rinse, repeat.

Occasionally, Dean notices the purple bruises under his eyes, or the way it sometimes takes him a couple of seconds to refocus, and he asks _'Are you okay?'_ A few times, Sam's been tempted to tell him that no, actually, he's not okay. That he's scared to close his eyes because Lucifer is always _right there_ and he can't deal with it, he doesn't even know where to begin dealing with it -

But. Dean has his own nightmares to cope with - he likes to pretend that he doesn't, but Sam hears him. Dean's dreams have always been vocal, unlike Sam's, and it pains Sam to know what his brother goes through nearly every night, and yet be powerless to help. The only thing he can do is keep his shit to himself, and pray that the Winchester Doctrine of not talking about anything holds up.

So he just smiles and says _Yeah, Dean. I'm good._ He knows that Dean probably suspects it's all bullshit, but he never pushes, so it's fine. It's fine.

* * *

There's something raw and broken and honest in Rowena's voice, something that stirs up familiar feelings in Sam, something that makes him want to help her, because he knows what this feels like. He can't quite put his finger on what that something is, but he hears the way her voice cracks, sees the vulnerability and fear she's always tried so hard to hide shining clearly in her eyes, and it's just.

She calls him _Sam_.

That's when he knows that she's being truly honest, because Rowena _never_ calls him Sam. It's what prompts him to tell her things that he's never told anyone before, things that he's been too scared to even mention, for fear of bringing them to life as soon as the words leave his mouth. But here, with Rowena, none of that matters because she understands in a way than Dean never could. It feels... Not good, that's not the right word, but _different_ to finally be able to talk about it without worrying that he's just being a burden. He's not stupid; he knows that this conversation won't change the helplessness he feels, nor will it scrub the image of Lucifer's face from his memory, but he thinks that maybe it helped, just a little.

That honesty, that emotion, that _Sam_ \- that is what causes him to give Rowena the page when Dean's back is turned. He knows that Dean will be pissed when he finds out, but he can't stand by and do nothing when he knows what she has seen. And he can't fault Rowena for wanting to protect herself, because he wants the same. If there were something that meant he could finally fight back against Lucifer, he'd take it without hesitation. And helping Rowena gives him some small level of satisfaction, to know that she's out there, ready and waiting.

* * *

True to form, Dean pulls out all the stock phrases - _she got in your head, you've gotta get out of this dark place, we'll figure it out_ \- and maybe Sam would laugh if the situation weren't so fucked. But underneath all that, Dean wants to talk. He wants Sam to be honest, and it's what Sam wants, too. So he is. Just... he's not honest about the right things.

He could tell Dean everything he told Rowena, about Lucifer's true face, about the real reasons he doesn't sleep at night - Dean's giving him the opportunity, after all. But, even after everything, the words still stick in his throat. So he just talks about Jack and Mom and his bullshit plan, and pretends that that's the only reason he's not keeping it together. He's sure Dean knows - or at least suspects - that he's not telling the whole truth, but Dean's not asking, so Sam's not offering. It's fine.

He heads to bed and watches his ceiling fan rotate. He feels his eyes begin to close, and a part of him instinctively struggles against it. But he forces himself to relax, and thinks not of Lucifer, but of Rowena, and of her bravery. It helps, and soon he finds himself being pulled into sleep.

Sam doesn't dream that night.

* * *

 **A/N: So the reason this took so long to come out was because firstly, my personal life sort of went a bit off the rails and something I wasn't expecting to happen this soon took a lot out of me. But also, I started writing this ages ago from Dean's POV, and obviously I'm out of practice because I ran into a dead end and I couldn't figure out how to get through it. So I went back to Sam.**

 **I hope you guys enjoyed it! Thank you for reading, and please leave a review if you have a moment!**


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